Seagull Brutally Killed by Castaways

Yesterday afternoon a silver seagull was murdered on a near-deserted island in the South Pacific. The perpetrators of the aggression appear to be three college students stranded on the remote island after falling off their Semester at Sea boat while deliriously drunk, trying to count how long they could see glow sticks dropped in the water above the Marianas Trench.

The unassuming seagull was in the process of completing a long, withering Trans-Pacific crossing. Accompanied by several companions, the seagull, affectionately known as Charlie by his friends, was warned not to land on the island as one of the seagulls spotted the humans. Thinking it odd to find humans on such a deserted island, the seagull did not believe it to be wise to approach them.

Charlie, whose judgment appears to have been seriously impaired due to the fatigue of fighting the South Pacific Equatorial wind current, decided to land on the island. The students approached the unoffending bird, offered it a worm, and then pounced once Charlie accepted the offering. Upon grabbing Charlie, his head was quickly ripped off and the blood collected in a hallowed out coconut, which the students then readily drank from. One of the students then commented that in retrospect he regretted taking Ecstasy shortly before their falling off the boat.

The other seagulls were horrified to witness the fate of their friend, and continued on to Tahiti where they reported the incident to the Graceful and Great Gull of the Far East, King of all seagulls in the Western hemisphere (excepting Hong Kong). The King was said to remark, “Charlie always was a sucker for worms.”

Two days later the students drowned as their makeshift boat was dashed against the rocks while trying to leave the island.

Preamble

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