Henry Ruschmann, the renowned inventor of glitter, and founder of Meadowbrook Inventions, a company that manufactures the product, was abruptly sent straight to hell last week.
The decision was apparently made by the Angel of Death himself, who after aiding his young apprentice with a school project, made the unilateral decision to pluck Mr. Ruschmann from his position ensconced in Heaven. The decision by Death actually goes against standing rules of the universe, thereby forcing Death to abdicate his rule as the Supremely Feared Being. When asked about his somewhat puzzling decision to banish Mr. Ruschmann to the fiery inferno at the risk of his own job, Death was said comment, “Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.”
Death, formerly a used car salesman when he was tapped for the position, appeared resigned to his decision and somewhat elated to know his reign was going out on a positive note. There were burst of jubilation in the streets when Ruschmann’s fate was announced.
John Hall, a retired school teacher, who suffered six nervous breakdowns as a result of the shiny, sparkly substance known popularly as glitter, was said to have risen from his wheelchair and spontaneously started singing the words to the Mariah Carey song “Butterfly” after hearing the news. In New York City, where many-a-divorce was caused by the glittery residue, strip clubs featured half-priced lap dances and free lunch buffets. Elsewhere, jubilant citizens gathered for a celebratory firebombing of Meadowbrook Inventions facilities while police looked on with grim satisfaction. “It’s been a long time coming,” said the Chief of Police in Bernardsville, New Jersey, “I mean they did it to themselves.”
When reached for comment in the fiery depths of Hell, Ruschmann defended his lifetime of development and perfection of the manufacturing of glitter. “I only wanted to bring joy to anyone and everyone involved in making crafts and other beautiful ornaments,” said Ruschmann just before being violently dunked in a vat of hot glue and then smothered with multi-colored bits of glitter. The other residents of Hell are said not to associate with Ruschmann.
Finally, in other news, Alfred Nobel, the inventor of TNT was released from Hell on parole today.